2019 April 14 Journal
Not much to report here other than nearly crippling self doubt and self talk.
God.
And I don’t know who to talk to about it. How many other people do I know who have 1. Received the call 2. Are trying to do something about it?
It’s making me feel anti social, uninterested in dating, and hopeless. The future I desire is feeling like a point on the horizon that I’m floating further and further away from on a big, black, dark ocean.
Everything I think about – photography, music, writing, podcasting, comedy, love life, financial ife… is met with soul snuffing soliloquies of the failure of everything I’ve ever done and ever will.
The vile and possibly true words of Kristen keep coming to mind:
“You know what’s disgusting about Paul Duane? He think’s people care, but nobody does.”
I just can’t even begin to explain how that phrase knocks the wind out of me to this day.
I’m just going to show up and do the work today. I’ll go drive, spend the last of my money on gas in an effort to break even… I’ll do the Sunday night burn. I’ll finish the items on my check list. And if I still feel dark and shitty, so be it. At least I executed the plan.
Heather* is absolutely THROWING herself at me. Pretty much begging me to come fuck her. While I was definitely attracted to her at the party, it has basically evaporated.
I feel like turning off my dating apps and just plunging the rest of the way into the quietude that is Stansbury Park.
Confessions of a Tinder Guy:
I have no intention of going on a date with any of you any time soon. I’m too broke to even pay for dinner for the two of us. Coffee would be a stretch. Unless one of my clients pays me today, my phone is going to be shut off tomorrow. I don’t have any place to bring you back to, either… I live with a family whom I’m dear friends with. This is no place to bring babes back to. I get by on leftovers from this family. I truly have nothing to offer you but a conversation and a connection.
Good lord. I wonder what would happen if I posted a dating profile that just laid out my life in no uncertain terms:
To be candid, the kind of woman that can hold my attention is an outstanding human. She’s got a heart and soul and vision as big as the Milky Way.
….and yet I crave connection. Attraction. Chemistry. Flirtation. Discovery.
Everything feels so hopeless and pointless today.
Just put one foot in front of the other today and we’ll address this again tomorrow.
* Names have been changed to protect the innocent and the guilty