*** Did you arrive in the middle of the story? Start at the beginning ***
* * * * * * * * * * * *
I’ve done a lot of nerve-racking things in my life –
Stand up comedy,
Going out in public in pantyhose and high heels,
Riding my bike naked through the streets of Portland,
Putting the spirit of F*@K YOU PAUL DUANE into action.
A few things at Burning Man that shall remain at Burning Man…
What I’ve now done tops them all.
I’ve found a new love, and the time has come to come clean with the most important woman in my life:
My mother.
She’ll worry about me so much, she’ll be confused, she’ll lose sleep over this –
She deserves to hear it straight from me, eye to eye.
I’ve gone over this decision so many times…not only this new love, but the conversation I’m about to have with her.
All of it is right.
But God, I hate to break her heart.
I know how deeply she hoped I’d never do this.
Hell, for most of my life, I didn’t know that I had this latent desire inside of me.
I’ve played with the idea before, but never dared go further…
Something happened last year.
An opportunity showed up.
A friend extended an invitation.
I said yes.
A switch flipped inside of me.
I was terrified at first – it took some getting used to… I had to confront some of the most basic stories I had about myself and my relationship to the world –
With the help of a couple of very supportive friends, I did it, and I’ve never been happier.
Something came alive inside of me that I did not know existed before, and I’m not going back. I cannot unsee this new bliss. This will be a huge part of my life moving forward.
I love everything about it…
the sounds… the smells… how it feels between my legs… even the black leather outfits.
It makes me feel more alive than anything I’ve ever experienced.
I
Had
No
Idea.
I have to tell her.
It’s not just her that would be shook up by what I’m about to drop on her –
My grandparents, too. They would be devastated. This goes against the very fiber of our family culture.
The fact that they have not been haunting me and trying to persuade my course differently is a solid case for there not being an afterlife.
In fact, I’m left with three possible conclusions:
- There is no afterlife
- There is an afterlife and they are too busy doing cool departed spirit stuff to know or care about what’s going on in my life
- There is an afterlife, they know about it, and they understand how important this really is.
I spent an hour sitting in the parking lot of a nearby gas station, trying to sooth my nerves, preparing my speech. Hell, I even talked with an ex girlfriend on the phone for 45 minutes about it.
“Just do it. She’s going to be okay…. Your sweet mom.”
Painfully aware of all of the other ways I’ve disappointed my mom over the years, cringing at the morbid cherry I’m about to place atop it all, I head toward her house.
This is my green mile.
She’s not going to yell at me. She won’t lecture.
She might not even cry in front of me…
…but I know that she’ll never sleep well again for the rest of her days.
My heart breaks –
But I must tell her the truth.
I slowly and strangely ceremoniously pull into the driveway,
I turn off the engine,
I wonder if she heard me arrive…
I walk in the house, and there she stands.
In a fraction of a second, I can tell she already knows.
“Hi mom.”
“Hi….. “ she said, that syllable a sponge saturated with oceans of motherly worry.
“Mom…
I got a motorcycle.”
*****
Next up: I know
*****