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I just stared therapy recently.
Reason why?
I’m a frustrated romantic.
I want good love in my life. I’ve had tastes of it, brushes with greatness – but it has always failed. and there are some obvious patterns at play.
I’m the common denominator, and I’m fucking tired of it. I want something more than this – something grand. It’s time for some professional help.
SO…. I found a fantastic therapist.
After our first appointment, he said, “You are a textbook trauma case. I want you to read this book….”
And so I did.
And holy shit.
I’m just going to copy and paste my most recent email to my therapist, as my book review:
*******
On the last chapter right now. I’ll be done tonight. My thoughts so far, thinking out loud:
I don’t have real problems. My god. The things that people go through???!!! WTF??!! My third grade teacher was mean to me once. My mom was mildly distracted at times when I needed her attention. My Dad was a loving albeit silent type. WAAAAAHHHH.
WTF??!! I feel grateful for my life!
I really don’t think anything horrible ever happened to me when I was a kid. I’ve been listening to my body, to my subconscious, listening for triggers or resonance as he talks about the acute kinds of trauma people have been through, and my bell isn’t dinging.
Although I have had a few vivid and weird dreams during the reading of this book. My dream life is typically EXCEEDINGLY boring…. dreaming about grocery shopping, folding towels, etc.
This week, I had a dream about being chased by weird AI robots, getting shot in the face with a rocket, and dying, but I was still alive after that. I eventually had to wake up and get ready for a work meeting.
In another dream, I was hanging out with my friend “Sarah”, (who also has been a lover, for one hot half minute, some time ago), another vaguely identified but silent sidekick friend, and Donald Trump. We were all hanging out in this cottage that had a big wood shop and a bedroom. “Sarah” kept having sex with Trump. She didn’t really want to, but went along with it anyway. I sent her a text the next day to tell her about this hilarious dream. We had a good laugh, which led to a long conversation about her own life struggles with dating & sex, how similar they have been to that Trump situation, and some deep introspection that proved to be extremely timely for her – almost as if the conversation was ‘meant to be’.
Back to the book –
While my life has a few eyebrow raising episodes, I just don’t think there’s any “there”, there.
I think my hangups are the result of weird random coincidences, unintentional parental oversights, rolls of the dice got awry. Yes, Dr. Freud, I think most of my bullshit is the legacy of a mom who was herself quite codependent, was distracted at times, who just wanted to be loved but never believed she was worthy of it, and thank god – was married to a very gentle, loving man.
I do have some patterns that I want examine, learn from, hopefully transcend so that I can have more good love in my life.
The chapter on IFS (Internal Family Systems) was the first time this book lit me up, feeling like – “oh HEY. This resonates”. I’m excited to learn more.
So, there you go. Yeah. Compared to the suffering of the people in this book? I don’t have any actual problems.
My heart breaks for those who do. Good Lord.
See you in the morning!
P.S.
Just finished the book. I just can’t believe the horrors so many people have been through. Seriously. I feel at the pinnacle of human privilege, sitting high atop Maslow’s Hierachy, to be spending time talking with you about my minor concerns. AND – I’m grateful for it.
*****
That was really all about me, and not much about the book. Here are my biggest takeaways from The Body Keeps The Score:
- I don’t have any repressed memories, nothing terrible happened to me when I was little. Thank GOD. My heart aches for those who did suffer that way.
- A much deeper appreciation and awareness for how childhood trauma (little and big T)shows up in relationships. The chapter on Internal Family Systems feels like a beautiful framework to implement as a couple, to help navigate those times when our trauma responses are leading the conflicts.
- The human suffering from war is incalculable. Not only the soldiers themselves, but the children they raise, the women they encounter, etc. The ripple effect of that trauma is mind blowing. There is a special place in Hell for our politicians, the war pigs, who send boys and men into battle for wars that are based on lies and corporatist agendas. I don’t believe in an angry, jealous God, per the Old Testament, I don’t believe in Satan or Hell, but I find myself hoping that both exist – just for these people.
A few of my favorite excerpts from the book:
"As long as you keep secrets and suppress information, you are fundamentally at war with yourself. Hiding your core feelings takes an enormous amount of energy, it saps your motivation to pursue worthwhile goals, and it leaves you feeling bored, and shut down. Meanwhile, stress hormones keep flooding your body, leading to headaches, muscle aches, problems with your bowells, or sexual functions, and irrational behaviors that may embarrass you and hurt the people around you."
"Communicating is the opposite of being traumatized."
"Music binds together people who, individually, might be terrified, but who collectively become powerful advocates for themselves, and others. Along with language - dancing, marching & singing are uniquely human ways to install a sense of hope & courage."
"All of us, but especially children, need such confidence. Confidence that others will know, affirm, and cherish us. Without that, we can’t develop a sense of agency that will enable us to assert: This is what I believe in. This is what I stand for. This is what I will devote myself to. As long as we feel safely held in the hearts and minds of the people who love us, we will climb mountains, and cross deserts, and stay up all night to finish projects. Children and adults will do anything for people they trust and whose opinion they value, But if we feel abandoned, worthless or invisible, nothing seems to matter. Fear destroys curiosity and playfulness."
Addendum:
To my fellow follower of the 11th Commandment:
I don’t know if you’ll ever read this, but incase you do: We tried a few times to love each other but we just couldn’t make it work. I recognize that I’m half of what made us not work, which is largely why I started therapy. I know we’ll never have another shot. I also know that until I address some things about myself, I’ll just manifest a sequel to you sometime in the future, will have similarly frustrating results, and I want something better than that.
I thought of you often when I read this book. I thought of you as a little girl, as a teenager, and the traumas that your mother inflicted on you. My heart broke. I now have a far deeper understanding of the wounds from your childhood, and how I unwittingly picked at those scabs. Your trauma-based responses make so much more sense now. I wish I would have read this before we met. I’m so sorry.
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