2019 June 25 Journal

2019 June 25 Journal

God. I went out driving last night, ended up with a ride that took me way out to Farmington, I really didn’t have the energy for it but I took it anyway. The guy was a retired F-16 pilot, so the conversation was plenty interesting…. so, there’s that.

By the time I made it back home, I was dozing at the wheel pretty badly, including trying to park the car. I almost crashed into the neighbors car because I was dozing so bad. 

I’m a better driver when drunk than when I’m sleepy. Drunk doesn’t take over my body and shut it down. Drowsy does. I simply cannot keep doing this.  I cannot keep pushing past my point of exhaustion.  This is a ticking time bomb that will not end well. 

I just saw that The Man burns in 67 Days.  I’m frustrated in a couple of ways:

  1. It’s officially crunch time to get ready for the Playa, and I have done zero preparations other than I have a ticket. 
  2. The year is basically over. The Vortex that is Burner life is tightening down. Orbiting around The Burn has a way of compressing time, and I don’t like it. Before I know it, I’ll be on Playa helping survey our spot, setting up camp, and before I know it, it’s going to be winter again.  Summer seems to end while I’m at the burn. I come home to FALL, which quickly gives way to winter.  We just got done with winter. I need more summer in my life.  This is so frustrating. 
  3. I’m not even anywhere close to where I wanted to be in so many areas of my life right now. Physically, financially, or artistically. My cross country trip is just dangling out there. Hell, at this point, even if my bike showed up today ready to go, I don’t think I’d pull the trigger on the big long trip. I don’t want any deadlines on the back end of this trip.  I’m feeling called out to the Playa again – any tentativeness I’ve had about the burn is… haha…. Burning off as we speak. 
  4. Fuck. Time is going by too fast. 🙁
  5. Did I mention that time is going by too fast?
  6. I’d also like to add that time is going by too fast for my tastes. 
  7. The new BLM agreements for the Burn are dubious and I worry that they may have killed the burn. Or maybe…………it just makes the burn more interesting, creating an underground scene within burning man. Wow. That’s a trip to think about….

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I hear that Forrest is not helping run Cosmic this year, I doubt Stevie will be anything other than honorary mayor….and in the slight interaction I’ve had with Chase, it sounds like it’s just he and I with our hands on the wheel at the moment.  I’m totally down with that. I love the call to lead and serve out there. It feels really, really good in my heart. 

Little voice: You do realize there is perfection in your life, right? Just trust that the timing of everything that’s happening right now is perfect. It will put you in all the right places to meet all the right people at all the right times. Keep planning the Philly trip(s). Let them flow around the pre-existing parts of your life that mean so much to you, such as the burn. 

Little Voice: you get to let things be easy. Steve got on your case about making things too complicated a while ago. That was a CLEAR SUPER DUPER UBER CLEAR message from the Universe.

I’ve had a few other little experiences lately that have shown me how much I resist abundance being easy. I tend to make everything difficult. I have been making writing too difficult, I have made dating too difficult, I miss work deadlines because I make projects too difficult, I know that I repel all kinds of flourishing because I have this root notion that things are difficult. They don’t need to be.  FUCK. 

Ok. 

Publishing my writing and journaling is a huge exercise in letting go and letting flow. 

Oh that’s good: Let go and let flow. 

I’m coming more to terms with my fundamental anxiety. I’ve always been an anxious kid. It’s as If it’s embedded in my nervous system.  Fuck, I don’t like being that way, but it just seems to be the case. I’m running up against my basic anxiety more and more lately.

I think this is why I love drinking and smoking weed[/ppp_patron_only] so much…. It dulls the anxiety down and puts me into my flow state.

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Played with puppies more tonight:

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just got off the phone with Kin. She told me the thing that I knew she was going to tell me. She’s planning on getting married to Taft. 

Fuck. 

She’s not ready for this and neither am I. 

Had the “If sex is worth getting divorced over why is it worth getting married over, OMG where did time go OMG now it seems appropriate for me to bestow you with all of my adult knowledge of things but goddamn that happened fast” talk with my 19 yr old daughter tonight.

🤦‍♂️

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#parentingproblems

I’m about as high and drunk as I can stand to be and I’m still not happy about Kin getting married. I wanted other things for her at this stage of her life. 🙁

 

[/ppp_patron_only]Nevertheless. I’m getting shit done today.  I’m just putting one foot in front of the other.  I do not feel good. I do not feel amazing, I do not feel like I’m in the middle of anything grand. I feel just so BLAH.  Or maybe BLEH.  Or maybe … BLEAH. Yeah. Bleah. Def needs the e and the a.

…. but I’m getting work done. I defined the steps when I was feeling good, and today, I just have to execute them. I can just go through the motions, as long as the motions get the shit done.  That’s enough. Just. Do. The. Work. 

Thinking about some of the “counsel” and “wisdom” I dropped on Makinley tonight. There is a fine line between being a wise and worldly man, and being a cynical, bitter fuck.

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