2019 June 25 Journal

2019 June 25 Journal

God. I went out driving last night, ended up with a ride that took me way out to Farmington, I really didn’t have the energy for it but I took it anyway. The guy was a retired F-16 pilot, so the conversation was plenty interesting…. so, there’s that.

By the time I made it back home, I was dozing at the wheel pretty badly, including trying to park the car. I almost crashed into the neighbors car because I was dozing so bad. 

I’m a better driver when drunk than when I’m sleepy. Drunk doesn’t take over my body and shut it down. Drowsy does. I simply cannot keep doing this.  I cannot keep pushing past my point of exhaustion.  This is a ticking time bomb that will not end well. 

I just saw that The Man burns in 67 Days.  I’m frustrated in a couple of ways:

  1. It’s officially crunch time to get ready for the Playa, and I have done zero preparations other than I have a ticket. 
  2. The year is basically over. The Vortex that is Burner life is tightening down. Orbiting around The Burn has a way of compressing time, and I don’t like it. Before I know it, I’ll be on Playa helping survey our spot, setting up camp, and before I know it, it’s going to be winter again.  Summer seems to end while I’m at the burn. I come home to FALL, which quickly gives way to winter.  We just got done with winter. I need more summer in my life.  This is so frustrating. 
  3. I’m not even anywhere close to where I wanted to be in so many areas of my life right now. Physically, financially, or artistically. My cross country trip is just dangling out there. Hell, at this point, even if my bike showed up today ready to go, I don’t think I’d pull the trigger on the big long trip. I don’t want any deadlines on the back end of this trip.  I’m feeling called out to the Playa again – any tentativeness I’ve had about the burn is… haha…. Burning off as we speak. 
  4. Fuck. Time is going by too fast. 🙁
  5. Did I mention that time is going by too fast?
  6. I’d also like to add that time is going by too fast for my tastes. 
  7. The new BLM agreements for the Burn are dubious and I worry that they may have killed the burn. Or maybe…………it just makes the burn more interesting, creating an underground scene within burning man. Wow. That’s a trip to think about….
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so much…. It dulls the anxiety down and puts me into my flow state.

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Played with puppies more tonight:

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just got off the phone with Kin. She told me the thing that I knew she was going to tell me. She’s planning on getting married to Taft. 

Fuck. 

She’s not ready for this and neither am I. 

Had the “If sex is worth getting divorced over why is it worth getting married over, OMG where did time go OMG now it seems appropriate for me to bestow you with all of my adult knowledge of things but goddamn that happened fast” talk with my 19 yr old daughter tonight.

🤦‍♂️

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Nevertheless. I’m getting shit done today.  I’m just putting one foot in front of the other.  I do not feel good. I do not feel amazing, I do not feel like I’m in the middle of anything grand. I feel just so BLAH.  Or maybe BLEH.  Or maybe … BLEAH. Yeah. Bleah. Def needs the e and the a.

…. but I’m getting work done. I defined the steps when I was feeling good, and today, I just have to execute them. I can just go through the motions, as long as the motions get the shit done.  That’s enough. Just. Do. The. Work. 

Thinking about some of the “counsel” and “wisdom” I dropped on Makinley tonight. There is a fine line between being a wise and worldly man, and being a cynical, bitter fuck.


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