2019 May 24 Journal

It’s a beautiful morning. I went to bed around 1030pm, woke up around 6 to the dawn light coming in from the window. 

Last night, Gabrielle* and I got into a convo about having sex with older women.  I shared my story about Stacy* with her. What’s funny is that I didn’t draft it up, I just pulled up the folder of our pics, wrote the story and dropped a few pics into the stream.  What resulted was a fucking masterpiece.  Her response:

It’s a shame that story can’t be shared more publicly… it’s hot as fuck.  I’ll transpose it into my notes here just for safe keeping, in case I find an appropriate use for it at some point.

[deleted transcription. I may be persuaded to include it at some point in the future]


Maybe I’ll just start writing some of my stories from the studio and collecting them for some future use.  I do love writing. 

To my posterity who may some day read my journals… 

Your father / grandfather / great grandfather / weird uncle / etc was a passionate man, torn between art and craft, between impropriety and opportunity, between the long and short game. 

And in bigger news, I sent off my TEDxSLC application last night. 

If I didn’t know any better, I would swear there are dark forces that try to keep me from getting this TEDx thing going. 

GRANTED – I did wait until the last day to make my videos, so that’s a thing I must acknowledge right up front….  But last year I did a ton of prep the week leading up to it, and this year, I have tons more experience under my belt and a lot less nerves about it, so I just busted it out in an afternoon.  This year I have the benefit of talking about something I’ve lived 24/7 for years.  Last year I was talking about something that was on the bleeding edge of my experience.  Anyway…. 

Last year, somehow, upon export, somehow the first 20 seconds were cut off. I have no clue how that happened. Bizarre as fuck. 

This year, I did a few practice runs that were smooth as butter. I got showered up, got ready… and then my nerves set it. I was a sweaty mess. I couldn’t remember lines. I was stiff. It took me a few hours to make this little video that I had busted out in 2 minutes in practice.  And then the technology problems…

Final Cut Pro X kept botching the render. It would get all pixelated in sections. I’ve NEVER seen it do that before. I had to render the video 3 times and reboot to get a clean render. And then upon emailing my application… I went downstairs to talk to Rachel & Grant for a few min. I came back up at 8:15pm to find that my email send had failed. It was returned with an error I’ve never seen before, something about my email account being disabled. Honestly the most bizarre thing ever.  The deadline was in 45 min, so I resent it from my Gmail account. I got a response back from the TEDx Organizer, Becki, thanking me…. So…. I know it made it in. 


What’s this all about? 

It’s as if there’s some force out there that DOES NOT WANT me sharing my message on one of the world’s biggest platforms.  I am not one to believe in some cosmic all powerful bad guy, but good lord… in moments like this, I’m inclined to believe in something like that. 


It’s done. 

I have a weird feeling that I’m giving a TEDx talk this year. I’m just going to go ahead and conduct my life as if I am, so that I can be ready and have carved out space and energy for it. If I don’t that’s just fine. I will be giving a few TED talks in my day, and if it’s not SLC 2019, that’s just fine. I’m pleased to be growing my own platform.  I don’t NEED TED… I would be honored to participate, however. One way or the other, I came into this world with a message and I am sharing it. I am being it. The Universe honors my energies to share it in the biggest way possible. The world is in need of it. 

Today I interview Genpo Roshi. What an honor. This will be our third interview. This time I come to him quite a different person.  What will I talk with him about? 

I want to know what he’s learned about life in the past year. 

I want to know what he looks forward to. 

Metro road to redemption

Is it all about the other people letting go of their attachments?

Personal rite of passage – ego death – is a master necessary?

Alan watts – the reason you aren’t better is the reason you aren’t. Is pursuing enlightenment the very thing that keeps it from happening?

How to desire without attachment?

I’m watching Roshi talk about big mind: 


And I’m realizing that I completely understand and have experienced everything he is talking about.  I loathe to say it, but I also affirm to witness it – 

I am awake. 

I was awakened one dark night in December 2006.

I am bodhisattva 

I am one with my Buddha nature. 

I love this moment… the sun shines in on my face while I read and write these things. 

My heart feels happy this morning. 

I’m grateful. 

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