2019 June 27 Journal

Not a lot to say today. 

I’m not feeling the blog / writing thing at the moment. I don’t know why…. Other than, I tend to go numb before something really good happens. That’s probably it. 


What dogs teach us about the universe- 

They can smell fear and reciprocate it 

They are predisposed to be friendly 

Ok. The Burn is happening. That’s a thing. Forrest has been essentially expelled from Cosmic, and Stevie is a symbolic leader, not an actual one (which is totally fine!)  Bradley won’t be there, and for some reason I don’t think any of the other old guard will be there either.  I think that leadership and execution is going to fall even more on Chase and I this year. 

I’m into it. 

Leadership is good for me. 

The road trip is going to need to happen after the burn. 

What can I do to make the Soul Anarchist Movement make a bigger difference in people’s lives? 

Making cool podcasts is awesome – but it’s not enough.  I’m having thoughts of a retreat or conference or something.  I already know that in the spring, Dr Glover and I are penciled in to do something…. so………. It would be cool to have already executed something on my own ahead of that. A winter conference perhaps….  Right after my trip perhaps….

Burning Man

Road Trip

Winter Conference


Spring Conference w Glover

Ok anyway. Let’s get on with the tasks and the day. 

BTW – my negative self chatter and fog is thick today.  This is one of those days where I just have to follow the steps.  Just do the work and don’t worry too much about it not being absolutely perfect or feeling absolutely right. In your moments of clarity you have laid out the plans, and on days like today, you get to just execute, even if it’s as mundane as putting one foot in front of the other. 

I was talking with [a listener] last night and she said something that reaffirmed something I’ve kind of known for a while:

Nobody wants to see Mr Rogers having a bad day. 

How fucking isolating is that?

I’ve felt and sensed this energy in a few other places. 

[A close friend] can hardly abide me having a down moment. She just won’t tolerate it, and I know it’s not about me – it’s about her.  The things she can’t hold space for are the things that trigger her.  

Ha. There’s a metric for you:

The things you cannot tolerate in others are the things you don’t like about yourself.  

If you can spot it, you’ve got it. 

….and the next set of questions come up in my mind: am I trying to be a leader? Am I trying to turn my life into performance art? What am I doing?   Both are honorable and have the potential to bless many people, but they feel like two different paths, and I think I’ve impeded my own progress for years by not being clear about it.  If I’m here to be a leader and train up other leaders – there’s a certain level of decorum that’s probably in order. They don’t need to know every last little nitty gritty detail of my life (and if they do, that’s super premium access).  If I’m here to turn my life into performance art, a la Hunter S Thompson…. Well, just go nuts.  

Or maybe there’s some other interesting in between that I haven’t fully imagined yet. 

Some unimaginable in between… haha…. Isn’t that what I am, anyway? 

Real talk:

[ppp_patron_only level=”5″ silent=”no”]

I am a hot mess. 

A few weeks ago, a friend got on my case about making things too difficult. 


I’ve been thinking a lot about anxiety lately, and realized how much anxiety plays a role in my life. 

Ever since I was a kid, I have had what you might call and ‘anxiety disorder’. 

I have also realized that I have spent a lot of time rejecting the notion that I have an anxiety disorder, which is a story in and of itself. 

Do I have a calm, chill side? Absolutely. My soul and mind tends to be calm and chill. My body is not. My body has this hankering, this base level anxiousness that has been a constant theme throughout my life. 

Now that I’m a father, I see it in one of my kids, too. 

Makelle has it. 

I think there is something genetic about this. 

I don’t like being anxious. 

I now see my appetite for booze and weed in a new light – 

When I’m a bit stoned or drunk, it takes the edge off of my anxiety. I feel better. I feel more like “me”. 

In other news:

Burying my dad was a real buzz kill. 


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